Desperately Seeking Strangers.

There was this day in my life, I must have been about 12, when I needed someone. Ill never forget the day because it sparked my most reoccurring emotion. Maybe the feeling started that day...maybe it happened before but didnt make as much of an impact. Either way, I hated that day and I re-live the feeling all the time. I could never describe the feeling it gave (gives) me, but its the type of thing that makes me want to take a blade to my body to get it out faster. I can hear 3 doors shutting, I hear 3 "No"s and I feel completely alone during those times. It was then that I discovered strangers.

I've found that strangers show me more love than loved ones. What the fuck is that about? They listen when I talk. They ask me how I feel. They make me look for love in all the wrong places. Such the mind of one who grows up to be a stripper. Feeding on the attention. Replacing love with ANYTHING that makes you feel noticed.

I have parents, two Dads even, a Mom, too many siblings to count, a boyfriend...but I don't feel like I can get serious with any of them. I have my most serious conversations with absolute strangers. This is probably what drives me back to retail all the time. I mean, they listen; wide eyed, attentive. They gasp! They react. They ask questions. They....care?

I severely need someone around me who can keep me from talking to a text box when I need to vent. Well, shit, then I probably wouldn't have these feelings to unload from my chest.

Its the little things. If someone were to ask "how was your day?" I'd probably break down and cry because my heart wouldn't understand the feeling. Being told you are loved is nowhere near the same as feeling loved. When I care about someone I'm so genuinely interested in their lives, feelings, emotions, likes, dislikes. I want to know what interests them. I want to know how they feel. I care. Maybe I just can't expect the same out of others. Can you care too much?

I dunno.

I'm just tired of desperately seeking strangers.